E3 starts next week. Rather than bore you with discussion on how E3 is not really relevant anymore, I’ll instead surprise you with our predictions for what will come out of the conferences. Here’s what we think will happen:
- The word ‘One’ will be used exactly 702 times.
- Steve Ballmer will not appear on stage, but will be in the audience in a straight jacket
- The new Mobile Halo will be coming to the Xbox One. The special edition will include a copy of Halo Wars to help them get rid of the remaining copies.
- Barbie Horse Adventure HD will be announced
-The Fistbump Kids will be back to announce Fistbump: The Game of fists!
- MGS5: Phantom Pain will be an Xbox One exclusive
- Ubisoft will come out and discuss how the new Xbox is the best console ever
- Gears of War will not include chainsaws (gasp)
- Sony will show an internal prototype of the system, which will just be a Macbook Pro taped to a video card.
- Will discuss the indie market and lie about how they are not going to screw it up.
- MGS5: Ground Zeros will be a PS4 exclusive
- Ubisoft will come out and discuss how the new Playstation is the best console ever
- Uncharted: Drake’s Racing will be coming to Vita
- PS move and Vita will fail when attempt to be shown as cool.
- Someone will remind Kaz Hirai of the 2006 Riiiiiiiiiiiidge Raaaacer incident.
- Nintendo Direct will actually be a pre-recording of an E3-style conference, not the usual Iwata standing in front of a background that we’re used to
- Smash Bros will include Ivy and Nightmare as a playable characters, as well as Nondescript Action Figure
-MGS5: Supplemental Combats will be a Wii U exclusive and explain how Snake made his way into the Smash Bros. Brawl tournament.
- Bayonetta 2 will be shown and have the main character replaced by a cross-dressing man who uses his beard instead of his hair. He will tentatively be named Dante.
- Ubisoft will come out and discuss how the Wii U is the best console ever
- Reggie will stare into your soul, while looking very serious and making occasional hand motions to emphasize his point
- New Zelda game will have Link, Zelda and possibly Ganon. Also the Triforce
- Wii U Music will be announced and be as underwhelming as the first.
- EA will lay off some people while they are presenting the new Madden game
- Ubisoft will announce their own console and discuss how it the the best console ever
- Ubi’s conference will also have about a thousand awkward interactions
- The Ouya team will announce the Ouya 2, showing off both the console and the games at the same time. They win E3 by default.